couldn't be closer

there was a time
when we couldn't be closer
like salt and pepper
we were shakers
we moved
together
thought
as one
it was what
saved me
when I
was
young.

Kevin was cool

Kevin
my brother
was my idea of "cool"
he handled the shit that happened

there was the time
must've been his 17th

talked him into stopping by
the Waterman house to grab
something

I suggested he come with me
he did

as we walked into my room
there was an explosion
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU"
all our friends
couldn't have been happier
to celebrate Kevin

Kevin, RANAWAY into Dad's
room
freaked
by the attention

it was that day
i decided against
surprise birthdays

turned out
to be a great time
for us all.

live love work play

you live
you love
you work
you play

on some day
you wonder

someday
you ponder

the meaning of it all

how to stay
with what really matters

how to accept
death

of the once so alive
what to do
with it all?

Innocence

Siblings, family,
posing for the portrait
looking so cute
what was interesting
enough to hold our
little gazes?
Some photographer
tricks
flashing a light
bouncing a toy
Kev, what happened to
your innocence?
Sorry it was stolen
It's hard to live without
isn't it?
It's the place holder
for wonder and hope
unfettered glee
maybe now you dance
and sing without a thought
of who is watching.

♥ I love you!!! ♥

3 recently "lost" loved ones; Have probably now found one another

Grief

One minute I think of you
I'm fine
Next minute I think of you
I'm broken
Time heals all wounds
but the going is tough
emotional wounds
open, oozing grief
something neosporin
won't cure
your spirit is free
my spirit is bound
One minute I'm angry
Next minute I'm sobs
I've been here and
done this
passing of a loved one
it doesn't make it easier
it is familiar
it is not fun
but...it is
what it is
so be it.

Kevin Photos

The Sweetest Remembrance

No matter what the distance
No matter how long
No matter how we changed
It was...No matter

The sweetest remembrance
Is our love for each other
heart touching heart

a bond unbroken...
No matter what

Boyfriends

Nice having an older brother
bringing his friends around
boyfriend material
great for younger sis

First guy I liked
from his group
well, not so great

Then his band
the Caribees
wearing black
Nehru jackets

Introduced me to
my first real
boyfriend, not just
hanging out,
but real dates
where we, then, had
to be escorted by
parents to movies

Then, in the Carleton
making out in the
balcony,
*sigh*
those were the days
my friend

Photo history - Kevin

When I REALLY needed someone

there was a time
at a particularly low point in my life
where I REALLY needed someone
I had gone off to my annual conference
at Asilomar in Monterey
the conference had gone well
I couldn't wait to get home to see my boys
and Lynda
when I did arrive
after a couple hour drive
the place was empty
only a note
"I need space"
she had taken Stevie and Johnnie
with her, no notice
no discussion
well
it was bad
Dad was there for me
and Kevin was too

After couple months had transpired
Lynda had (again without notice)
filed for sole custody in N.Y.
**freak out**
no way I could live my days
without Stevie and Johnnie
so I asked my friend Tony
if he could help
he refused
I couldn't think of anyone
else that I could ask
except the one who had been there
for me
more than anyone in my life
I asked Kevin
he really didn't want to
get involved
like Tony
but unlike Tony he did
he left his life
came with me
to N.Y.
I had to let Lynda know
I was suing for custody in CA
but I couldn't tell her myself
(legally)
Kevin stood tall
he was everything a brother
and a best friend could ever be

he was a lover
he was a fighter
he was a midnight rider.

so sorry I couldn't be there
for his last great ride.

lovingly,

yo bro

D.C.

another road trip
must've been 1977
from So Jersey with two babes
meeting at a Turnpike
restaurant in MD or DEL
switching up
must have forgot the tickets
to the Allman Bros. concert
back to my place in Bethesda
police were involved
Kevin got away
as I took the heat
tanother hen the dude through a brick
at our car window
tickets and off
too much traffic
an accident
runaway
across the median
through the crowd
music in the air
for hours
car breakin
lost car keys
and wallet
lucky to get a ride home
vomit in the car
woozy
another police person
Kev gets away
as I take the heat
I think it was 10 red lights
at 2 am
somehow we got the car back
smashed
only our
stuff
not our
spirit

Cross Country

once, must have been 1971,
Kev drove from N.J. to S.F.
for a visit
unscheduled stop in Oklahoma
for a new engine
still made it
for the party
that happened
when we got
together

Hey Joe!

Hey Joe, jeet?
No, joo?
let's squeat

scream for ice cream

jingletinglejingle
the Ice Cream Man!
Mom! Mom! the Ice Cream Man!
ok get Mom the Drumstick
I get a Creamsicle
and a Fugsicle for Kevin!
Strawberry Shortcake for Lin!

groceries

so Kevin and I spent hours waiting
for rides

Mom had to drive miles
to bring us to the Church
where the dance was

long after the first
kisses and goodbyes

we were playing
as we always did
messing around
waiting

I shoved a grocery cart
at Kevin
he caught it
spun it around and shoved it back at me
I ole'd it
and the cart went on by
smashing the front door
of the Safeway
taking it down

we had some bad luck as kids
the police car was driving by
they thought we should go with them
i think they were overly serious
talkig about charging us
with breaking and entering
robbery, etc.

somehow Mom caught up with us
at the station
disappointed
and nervous
about her boys
must've been 1 am by then
poor Mom

but Kevin and I
were lucky
to have her

just another anecdote
of two brothers
who loved
who played
who gambled
and
sometimes
won

memories

there was the night
we took the car
that we usually "borrowed"
drove to Highlands
to see the girls
ran it into a big ditch
Kevin & I panicked
eventually rocked the car
outta the ditch
got it to its home
no one ever knew

Short Cut Home

radiant
smile with beams
of love
soft
around the edges
of masculinity
goofy
silliness of child
within
charm
in every cell
of being

turned
you lost yourself
alone
maybe
you were never
found
Running
the expectations
high
Peace
did not
ensue
took
the short cut
home
freedom
rings allowed
peace

wasted

the saddest thing
is a wasted life
a path not taken
an angel fallen

I only ever knew Kevin with Jeff.
What I remember most is:

When Kevin came there was a lightness to the air in the house.
There was excitement and joy at the mere talk of his coming.
He lifted the hearts of his family.
There was lots of silliness!

The sparkle in Jeff's eyes was so much brighter when Kevin was there.
They often spoke to each other without words, just using their eyes. (something that annoyed and frustrated me at the time!!)
They were so proud of one another!
They laughed hard and often together...the deep belly laugh of old friends.

My heart is full of the memories and of pain for all his family.
I am deeply saddened and sorry for the loss of Kevin.

Kevin Clark born 4-13-52 died 7-22-09

my best friend ever
the one who was there for me
when no one else was
wishin he would've let me
be there that was for him

such a big heart
fun-loving
funny
loyal

he cared
and was eaten up
for it

i love my brother
always have
always will

wish it could've
worked out
differently
much

I will always feel him
with me

R.I.P.
Kev

jc
7-23-09